My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
