My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
