I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
