U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
