Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
