If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
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