your parents love me but you hate me
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
