the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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