He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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