How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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