She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
