There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
