You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
