This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
