Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
