I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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