I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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