New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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