I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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