I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
