im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
