Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
