I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
