Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
