I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
