i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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