Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
