Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Randomize
