The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
