I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
