yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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