Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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