I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
