apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
