Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
