OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Send help, water and tortillas.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
