Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
