I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
