She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
