He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
