I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
