My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
