If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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