In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
