Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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