I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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