Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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