She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
