Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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