Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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