Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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