just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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