Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
