Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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